- Bomb Texas for freedom -

So I’m broke, and I figured it would be a good idea to stay in for the night.

So I decided to break out the old gamecube. I bought it in January for 30 bucks, with a few games and they’ve all been collecting dust.

For the record I only knew 3 people with the gamecube One is a retard, the other somehow got hooked on Donkey Conga, the other was a girl with really low self esteem who used it to fuck nerds.

I turn it on, there is one thing I noticed with the last gen consoles, they all have creepy main menu’s. The xbox sounds possessed, the ps2 looks haunted; in the GC’s case it’s the sound. The damn thing sounds depressed. This would explain why emo’s love nintendo, however I’m broke, miserable, and my girlfriend is 3000 miles away, I don’t need a game system to push me over the edge.

I have a total of three games, Zelda, and Rogue Squad II, and III.

Starting off with Zelda, there’s not much to say. In fact I think for now on when there is a new Zelda game a reviewer can cut it down to three words “It’s fuckin’ Zelda”. One way or another I played all the major Zelda games on the home consoles.

They are literally all the same. The only thing that changes is the graphic engine. However the plot is the same, Link saves Zelda (except for Mask of Majora), Link meets Goron, Link runs through dungeon with the same puzzles as he always has.

You would think by now he would just keep the damn master sword, email Ganondorf on where to meet up fight to the death and call it a day. However nintendo barely acknowledges the internet, so I guess it would have to be by carrier pigeon.

Sadly this version seems to be a step down from ocarina of time. It’s the control and really the love of 3d link is gone. I was hoping for something new from this franchise with the latest game, but I was turned off as soon as I saw the Gorons in their orange blob glory.

The Rogue squads, their pretty much the same as each other. With the exception of 3rd person shooter sequence parts in III.

When it switches over to those parts, it can be described as excretable. They aren’t fun, they aren’t easy to control, and it doesn’t mesh at all with the series.

Otherwise the left thumb stick isn’t analog (so it seems). So it’s impossible to aim and steer really well. Otherwise, imagine this…

You’re a Rebel pilot, you’re being briefed. Admiral Ackbar walks in, and says “Men, we are outnumbered at least 20 to 1. The good news is tie fighters aren’t shielded so you just need one or two shots to take them down.”

The rebel pilots cheer.

“Oh btw, those shields don’t come cheap, neither does labor. We hired the best of the best from the best special ed school ever. Oh I forgot to mention, those tie fighters? They’re painted black, coincidentally so’s space. Clever right? First the death star, and now they figured out how to cloak their ships with a few cans of spray paint.

We got this really neat targeting computer so you can see them and shoot those fascist clones down. You aren’t allowed to use it. EVER. I don…

What Wedge?

Yes I know what I’m doing! Seriously, I’m a fuckin’ icon! What are you? Nuthin that’s right, yeah you have cool name, but I have a timeless catch phrase!

Sit down.”

My final assesment of the Gamecube, is a lot of my assesment of the Wii.

It sucks, and frankly if nintendo shriveled and died tomorrow I really don’t think it’ll be a big loss to the video game industry. It’s not like there are many 3rd parties that depend on them, and each gadget they make is just a skin deep veneer for the same game that’s at least a decade old.