- Bomb Texas for freedom -

You’re not born yet, I have no clue what you look like or what your personality will be.

But I know I love you more than any person I have ever met, thus far. It’s a perfect love, flawless and beautiful and it sort of scares me. But it’s there. I know you’re pretty far away, and I won’t be there as often as I would like to be. Life is crazy, and your grandma (my mother) is going to tell you about how I live in the big bad city. So you never know what could happen, and also I do have some real bad habits that will probably shorten my life span.

I do have a single regret if that does happen, I won’t be able to pass on a Brooklyn accent. It is pat of ya heratage, na watta mean?
Just remember if you do want one and I can’t give you one, mash your words together, and take careful observation of the speech patterns of your grandpa.

Me and your unca Johnny have been boys since we were 11, about 20 years now. We were the oldest much like how you were, together we went through a lot of life stages together. When we talk now, the one thing we always wish for is that some one was around to give us advice and to warn us about what was on the horizon. At the age of 30, we both been through a lot. I know first hand how painful life could be, and it’s so heartbreaking to think you are going to go through it as well.

You aren’t going to come to me to tell me what happens, or ask for advice. That’s our families curse, we’re stubborn, and want to handle everything ourselves. So I made you a list of advice, you aren’t going to use it all right away, but keep it in your pocket, consult with it every so often.

• When you watch the same movie over and over, you’re doing so you can feel secure. I had a break up once and I watched swingers every night for two months. There is nothing wrong with it.
• Despite what anyone tells you, there is such a thing as the dark side of the force. You’ll feel it, sometimes you might even embrace it, never get consumed by it.
• Remember who you are, always. Never let anyone change you.
• Tastes change, it’s ok that you don’t like the same band that you did a year ago. Or if that same flavor of ice cream you once loved doesn’t do it for you anymore.
• If a girl calls you 20x in one day run. It doesn’t matter if you are banging her or not, there is something wrong in her head.
• If a girl starts a sentence “I’m Bi-” Whatever comes after that will not end out good for you.
• Don’t watch Japanese anime, it rots your brain. If you’re curious on what happens I’ll fill in the blanks now; A school girl wakes up, finds out she has special powers, she ends up in space, she fights something, ends up naked, fights something again, then saves the day. Somewhere ninja shows up.
• Play lots and lots of video games, however I hope to god your mom has the good sense to turn off the xbox and makes you play in the snow.
• Speaking of, snow angels aren’t gay. Snowforts are more fun to make though, and there is such a thing as too big of a snowball. I learned that lesson when I was 10.
• If a teacher says she’s putting something in your permanent record, call her bluff. There probably is no such thing, and if there is it doesn’t really seem to effect your life.
• GTA is a lot of fun, and yes it’s really tempting to try some of it in real life; however don’t fuck with the cops. Getting a beat down with a billy club is a good way to ruin your friday night.
• Never discriminate against someone for the following reasons; skin color, last names, religion, gender, or heritage. Reasons to discriminate against people should be; what comes out of their mouth, their actions, what they drive, and the size of their wallets. Because the more money someone is born w/ the bigger asshole with an SUV they’re going to be.
• If you don’t have the latest sneaker that was on TV, big deal. If your jeans don’t have the right tag, it doesn’t matter either.
• Blue Jeans are always cool, and you can take them anywhere.
• Never pay $400 for a pair of jeans.
• If you’re broke remember rent should always be your first priority, everytime. If you can’t go out because you can’t afford it, your real friends will stop by with a 6-pack, a pizza, an extra controller or two and a good game. At the very least, they’ll have a DVD handy when they come over.
• Like it or not there will always be a double standard between men and women. They’ll have their things, and we’ll have ours. It’s not bad it’s how nature is, it’s also for the best. Do you really want to watch sex and the city?
• You will pop a boner at the most wrong of times.
• You will be caught looking at something you weren’t supposed to.
• First loves are numbered for a reason. The chances of you sticking together with that girl you met in the backwoods while skipping math class will not be around by the time you hit 22.
• Fuck it, you aren’t going to listen to that one. I didn’t when I was told that in 11th grade. Ok, there is a CHANCE, a slight chance that it really is meant to be. Invest in lottery tickets instead though, it’s money and effort better spent.
• In your lifetime there probably won’t be a time machine, so don’t count on it. When you say the wrong thing, and make the wrong choice there might not ever be a chance to fix it. Do the smart choice, but sometimes you have to go with your guts.
• Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, man up to them however. You will be respected.
• Read Catcher in the Rye when you’re a teenager, despite what you think you aren’t Holden Caulfield, you are loved, but there are a lot of phonies out there.
• Read The Great Gatsby when you are young so you can relate to Gatsby. Read it again when you’re older so you can relate to Nick, then note how different your interpretation of Gatsby’s and Daisy’s love is both times.
• On the Road will set you free, but understand that Kerouac was a racist alcoholic momma’s boy.
• All of your heroes have tragic flaws, the real ones like George Washington, and the made up ones like Indiana Jones.
• If you fall in love with a girl, and you have to the other side of the world to see her, it’s always worth it. Even if you’re single by the time you’re back at JFK, you will be richer for the experience.
• Going back to the first loves, I hope you have many. Each different from the last.
• Date foreign girls. I’ll tell you the reasons why when you’re older.
• There will be words you can never spell no matter how many times you have to use them.
• I don’t care how awesome the spell checks are in the future, if you use internet jargon in your book reports it really does make you look stupid.
• The actual invention of the internet is brilliant, it’s too bad that the people who use it are retarded. If you end up in a heated debate on a forum, just remember in the greater scheme of things no one is going to care.
• Music will never be as good after you graduate high school. There will be really good bands and albums, but that same crackle in the air and weight of change pushing time forward will be gone. Enjoy it while it’s there.
• Listen to the oldies. I’m making sure you inherit all of my CDs and my ipod.
• Some bands deserve to fade away. Some bands are under appreciated. Some bands tragic downfalls are completely hilarious and deserved. Despite all of that don’t make fun of others music choices, even though they are wrong.
• Every one of us is Jeremy.
• Humor can be found everywhere, no matter the situation. If you can find it, expose it, and share it; it’s probably the greatest gift ever.
• Don’t smoke.
• Drugs will fuck you up. I saw too much human wreckage because of them.
• It’s ok to get completely drunk sometimes, but when you’re sitting at a bar by yourself and you aren’t waiting for anything but your next order; I want you to call me.
• There can be exceptions to that last one. But there aren’t very many.
• If if you’re at a bar, and a girl is completely alone there. It spells trouble.
• Find a bar, find a group of friends, and make it your place. It’ll take time, it’ll take effort, but the results are worth it. You’ll always get home safe, you’ll always have people to get your back, you’ll get the 411 on girls, and you’ll always have a place to go if nothing else is going on. Yes I know your grandma would highly disagree with me, but your grandpa, and other male family members know this is true.
• Become an artist but never become an elitist.
• Never trust or love the company you work for. Unless you become a partner, or own it you are only a number and chattel. It’s a job, that’s it; it’s only meant to pay the rent, bills, and whatever else. Find the stuff you love, and stick to it every free second you get.
• Learn how to draw and play guitar, and you will never be lonely.
• Become a lawyer and you’ll never starve, but no one will like you.
• Become a doctor, you’ll be overworked, hated, and no one will ever leave you alone.
• Become a journalist and no one will trust you.
• Never exploit someone weaker than you, and always give credit where credit is due.
• There will always someone better than you in one particular thing, it’s how you mix and exploit your talents that make you special.
• Pick and choose your battles, it’s not a big deal to put your clothes in the hamper; however it is a big deal if you aren’t allowed to talk to your boys anymore.
• If you end up having to fight someone, take a quick look behind you. The guys who stayed there and look like they’re going to help you out, count them. The sum total are your boys, and sometimes might be for life.
• There are smarter and better ways to get out of a fight. Once I pretended I was deaf and I couldn’t hear him, by the time he was done telling me he was going to kick my ass he was too spent even to bother.
• Never ever start a fight you can’t finish, not just physical ones but all kinds.
• Don’t act all tough and hardass to get something, it makes you look like a idiot, and more times than not it won’t work.
• Your family loves you, and for the most part we’re pretty good. Some of us have more issues than they deserve. But some of us you don’t want to know.
• If you end up with a little sister or brother, never tell them that they were adopted. They’ll complain about it 20 years later.
• Your little sister or brother believe it or not actually will look up to you. It’s too bad you won’t realize it until it’s too late, and when they stop it will hurt, a lot.
• Getting dumped is part of life. But a lot of times it’s a bit of a blessing. You can move on, and find someone better. But the initial sting hurts like a bitch.
• If I do end up getting married to Jessica, she probably will make you vote. It’s how she is.
• Never vote republican. They’re too stupid to be allowed power, and all they do is hurt this country.
• If a politician says “I did not…” subtract the not, and that’s the truth.
• If a politician says “I did…” add a not, and that’s the truth.
• Everyone is dirty.
• Don’t join the military, getting shot in Iraq is not worth a college education.
• Learn from the screw ups of others.
• High school sports are worthless, don’t worry about getting on the team. If the jocks pick on you, laugh in their face. Within 6 years of graduation, a few of them will be bagging your groceries, and pumping your gas.
• Only idiots like the Yankees, if you’re true you’ll be wearing a Mets cap for most of your life.
• Football sucks, the best part of the superbowl is the commercials.
• Your friends will have girlfriends that suck, every so often it’s gonna be yours.
• American idol is not ok to watch, ever.
• Get a fully manual film camera, learn how to use it, then learn how to develop and print your film. Some people will laugh at you in this day and age, but film has it’s own beauty that digital will never replicate.
• Write a diary, it’s a gift to your future self.
• When you move, pack your books in small boxes. Too many books, the boxes get really heavy.
• It doesn’t matter which neighborhood you live in. The trendier a neighborhood the more miserable you’re going to be, find one that’s safe, has some shopping, and near public transport.
• If you go to a bar and after your 5th drink you don’t get a buy back, stop tipping.
• Cats are fun for their own reasons, dogs are fun for their reasons, get one of each.
• If you think your girlfriend is cheating on you, she just might be. If you can’t leave your girl alone because you think she might cheat on you, break it off; it’s not a healthy relationship.
• If you become president, don’t trust a country that threatened us with annihilation. Except for the British, they hate us, but they won’t make a move.
• There is a lot to be said for the following foods, steak, lobster, and a hamburger during a summer bbq. Every man deserves them once in a while.
• The best beer? The first one on a warm friday night, on the first week of your new job after a long hard job search.
• Find a girl that could cook, but learn how to cook yourself. Make sure you cook for your girl, they really appreciate it.
• If a place was established in the 1800’s, early 1900’s, or even 40 and more years ago there’s a pretty good reason why it’s still around.
• Buy CDs.  Yes get on the equivalent to Columbia House and BMG.

Despite the cynicism in this list, and the painful times you will go through; I just want to promise you good times. There is amazing beauty and weirdness in this world, there will be times so wonderful and so great you will not share them with anyone. But there will be moments when you are glad that you had people around. I wish I could tell could tell you everything you need, but half the fun of living is finding out stuff for yourself. Good luck out there kid, if you have a sibling remember to share this list with them. I love you, and I can’t wait to see you for the first time.